The Call

My card pull for the week of 1/6/25

The Call - the call comes when we break. It comes to us sooner or later, but it comes. And whenever it happens, we know there is a journey we must undertake. Something deep inside us knows that there is somewhere we should be going. And so, in the end, no matter how long or hard we resist it, and whether or not we think we can, we go because we must. We go, because to stay is to die. = Rooted Woman Oracle by Sharon Blackie

The call is a metaphor. For me, it is a journey of connecting more deeply with my spirit and my soul’s voice. A journey to align my life with my soul’s journey and purpose (more on this word later). To fully be me in the body, in this lifetime. I used to think purpose meant my job or my vocation. That is what I learned from the culture around me. I still remember showing up at Mastin Kipp’s Enter Your Heart retreat believing that I would leave knowing exactly what career path I was supposed to follow. What my purpose was. I remember how pissed and perplexed I was when my purpose statement was this:

My purpose in life is to connect to myself and my higher power and feel the gratitude that results while inspiring others to do the same.

At first, I thought, "How can this be?" I just really need someone to tell me what the right job is for me and what I am supposed to do. By the end of that week-long retreat, I realized that it just wasn’t that straightforward. There are so many courses, retreats, and teachings out there that promise to help you find your purpose. In the years since Maui, one thing has become clear for me. My purpose is simply to be wholly and fully me. If I am honest that statement on created back then reflects how I best embody my soul self, my purpose.

We are born with only one obligation - to be completely who we are. - Mark Nepo

Writing this prompted me to pull out my journal from that retreat. I spent some time reading through it. One of the things in there was a list titled: “To arrive where I want to be in 10 years, I need to”. That was August of 2013. What’s crazy is the things I listed are still my guideposts for feeling allgned in my life now. Even after all these years. Here are some of them:

• follow my heart to find my way to serve

• Serve as many people as possible

• stay connected to my higher power

• be honest and open about my path and my beliefs

• take care of my body and soul first

• take chances

• embrace uncertainty

I am not saying that I embody/do all of these things all the time, but these are, to this day, many of the things that are part of my spiritual practice. There are, of course, times when I fall away from my practices. But what I have learned over time is that as someone who aspires to live in her feminine energy, I am cyclical. My energy ebbs and flows. Like the moon, I wax, and I wane. I have found that this knowing allows me to be more gentle and compassionate with myself when I fall away from my practice and live more heavily in my humanness than my spiritual self. I know at some point I will land back in a flow state and connect back in with spirit and my soul self.

I am unsure why I felt called to share this. Maybe it’s as simple as me wanting you to know that your purpose here in this lifetime is simply to be wholly and fully you. To show up as you are. To share your unique light with the world.

Sidenote: Maybe it was also to remind me why I named my business angieandrewsinspire. It comes from my purpose statement from that retreat. Just like me Inspire has grown and changed. It has had ebb and flow states. I am feeling a new iteration evolving now, too.

I would love to hear from you what your definition of purpose is. Does mine resonate with you? How do you view your purpose in this lifetime? Comment below or email me. (link at bottom of page)

Take care of yourself.

Love, Light, and Shadow.

Angie

My journal

Random New Years Thoughts from the Yurt

I am sitting alone in the yurt, called out by the snow, wind, and the sound of the trees as they sway in the gusts.  Creaking. Moaning.  I can still see my breath in here as I wait for the little heater and the fire in the woodstove to warm things up.  I am honestly not even sure what I am called to write about, so I will start with the card in the picture.  

Feel, Don’t Think.

Sounds kind of simple, but difficult to practice. But I know this is my work right now.  I know this because this card came to me twice at two completely different gatherings over a week apart.  If you have been following me for any length of time you know I don't really feel aligned with the Gregorian calendar (standard yearly one).  I prefer to follow the Wheel of the Year which is much more in sync with the rhythms of nature. January 1st is in the dead of winter, at least here in the northeast, and nature is certainly not emulating a time to start new projects and make resolutions. Ostara, which is the Wheel of the Year celebration in March on the Spring Equinox feels much more like a time for new beginnings.  That’s why I have been surprised as this new year has come around by this little flame of inspiration.  I feel a significant shift in my energy.  A call of sorts to create change in my life.  This is not a new nudge, but one that has been showing up in my journaling and quiet time for months.  It sounds something like this: 

It's time to be closer to home, to land, to ceremony.  It’s time for more community and connection. It’s time to make more space for energy work and gathering women.

As a first step I have accepted a new position at the company I work for that requires very little travel. I was on the road for over 120 days in 2024. In 2025 if might be more like 10-15, if that. This represents a HUGE shift in my life. I have been traveling for work regularly since I left my career in ophthalmology in 2014. But my spirit and my body have been very clear that a shift is necessary. I am both excited and a little nervous about the change, but mostly excited. Not having a busy travel schedule does not mean I will not be busy, but it does open up more space to cultivate a regular yoga practice at the studio. (I love the community aspect of group classes) It does allow me to more easily and consistently eat foods that nourish my body and make me feel good. It also affords me for flexibility to offer energy work and gather women more often.  I can't lie, I will miss all the airline and hotel points, but that's a small price to pay for following my heart.

I have felt for many years like a visitor in my own community, never fully able to engage because of my frequent absence and lack of a reliable schedule.  I feel a deep pull to create community and connections, now more than ever. It is no secret that we are living in interesting, somewhat disconcerting times.  I truly believe the only way through is through community care and finding spaces of connection with others. Spaces that allow us to feel seen, heard, safe and loved. I am yet unsure what this will manifest as for me. I am working on some new things with several different magical sister-friends to explore ways to be of service and create these kinds of spaces.

I am in my own life, making more space to write, sit in stillness, and connect more deeply with nature, spirit, and my own inner landscape while also setting the intention to honor my now 54-year-old body with more breath, movement, nourishing food, and rest. I was always a little fearful of getting older, of my changing body, but I am finding this new pocket of calm, of giving way less fucks about a lot of things.  I am enjoying the idea of moving into my crone years, my wisdom years.  I am realizing I love telling stories and sharing everything I have learned along the way. Lesson one, at least for me, perimenopause is a roller coaster of a journey now many folks talk about.  I will save that for another blog post. Suffice it to say it's a lesson that is still in progress.

I will wrap this up by saying that I enter this new calendar year with a lot of uncertainty about what will roll out for us as a collective in this country but also certain that love will somehow prevail. Even through the fire and the unraveling of things as we know them, by seeking out community and connection, a new way of being will evolve.  I am wishing you a healthy and prosperous new year.

I would love to hear what your hopes, dreams, and fears are as you move into 2025. Please feel free to comment and let me know.  I would love to connect with you.

Love, Light and Shadow,

Angie

Giving Voice to the Journey

For the last couple of days, I have had the feeling that perhaps there was something that wanted to be shared. Specifically around perimenopause and this period, I am in. I have been confused about why not many women talk about it. Maybe they do, but I have not stumbled across it. Are we embarrassed by our age? The related changes? Are we trying not to think about or acknowledge getting older?

I was not prepared for many of the feelings and symptoms that have come with this particular life change. The hot flashes I was ready for, and honestly they are one of the less impactful symptoms for me. I had heard about forgetfulness and brain fog, which I am already pretty accustomed to because of my chronic Lyme. However, I will say the addition of changing hormones has offered a whole new level of brain dysfunction. What I was not prepared for was an increased level of joint and body pain. I cannot say my elbows ever reached before perimenopause. And then, worse of all, a whole new experience of anxiety and random depressive episodes. At times in my life, I have dealt with situational anxiety and panic attacks, but over the last year or two, the anxiety has increased and become more frequent. It is also often completely irrational and unfounded, which my conscious mind knows but my body and my nervous system have not gotten the memo.

And then there is the newest symptom, intermittent depressive episodes. I have been blessed in my life never to have danced with depression, though many around me have. I honestly didn’t even recognize it for what it was until doing some online research. For me, those feelings are new, uncomfortable, and scary. I am grateful that they come and go and seem to be paired with PMS, which was hard to pinpoint because, at this point, my cycle is entirely unpredictable. I have always had regular cycles with very little PMS, except mild moodiness and some body dysmorphia, and easy, short cycles. So why, at 53 am I dealing with pre-cycle depression, cramps, and having zero idea when I might start bleeding? I guess the answer is perimenopause…..

After meeting with my naturopath, I fired my PCP years ago for his refusal to trust my feelings about my own body; It seems perhaps I am low in progesterone and Estrogen. As someone who lived with Crohn’s and chronic Lyme in my adult life, I am pretty hesitant about going straight to pharmaceuticals or, for that matter taking pills of any kind. However, two weeks ago, I came to the conclusion that I needed to do something. My naturopath offered me all sorts of options. Herbs. Tinctures. A seed protocol and HRT. I love that she is open to discussing everything. She was a pharmacist before becoming disenchanted and returning to school to be a naturopath. She knows both worlds. As do I, after a long career in the medical field and using lots of homeopathy to help with my Lyme. After a lengthy discussion, I chose the path I would not usually choose. I have been taking a low-dose progesterone pill and wearing a low-dose patch of Estrogen.

A number of things influenced my decision, but mostly, it was for ease and convenience. Right now, I travel a lot for work. I spend a lot of time in hotels and airports. My routine is unpredictable and all over the place when I am on the road. Carrying powders and tinctures is not easy when you never check your bag. (TSA does not like powders of any kind. It causes all sorts of commotion). These are just a few of the reasons. It’s sad and funny that it feels vulnerable to share this. I considered not doing that, but I feel as if that is why others don’t share. Fear of being judged. I imagine many of my friends and acquaintances will want to let me know why HRT is a lousy idea and offer me more natural solutions. I love that people care, but I am comfortable with my decision for now.

So why am I sharing? This might feel like TMI. I feel like there must be a whole bunch of women dealing with this all alone, or at least in silence. I don’t think this, perimenopause/menopause, should be a taboo subject. I feel we should talk about it often and loudly. Sharing and conversing like we perhaps did when we were new moms asking for help and advice or sharing it with others. No judgment. There is no need to force our views on others.

Being a woman is such a journey. I always see it through the evolution of the goddess. Maiden. Mother. Crone. I look forward to my crone years and to being a vessel for wisdom and storytelling. I just wish this part of the journey felt a little less isolating and lonely. I would love to hear about your journey with perimenopause/menopause. The stories of others allow me to feel less isolated and alone. That is why I am sharing mine. I hope sharing serves to make even one woman feel less alone or less crazy about her experience.

“Well, you can either see menopause as a possible ending or you can see it as a possible beginning. Arguably, it should be a bit of both. The ending of one phase of life, but also the beginning of a whole new journey — a challenging but ultimately fertile journey across the threshold of elderhood.”
― Sharon Blackie, Hagitude: Reimagining the Second Half of Life

Perimenopause, Overwhelm and Change

I am not even sure where to start but the nudge to write about where I am at right now was too strong to ignore.  I entered my 53rd year in this body not really thinking about what lie ahead.  I had glimpses of perimenopause last year, but nothing significant.  As the year has progressed I have had some significant changes in my life with my career and more significantly with my body.  I knew to expect hot flashes and mood swings and some disruption in my brain function.  What I was not prepared for was the anxiety, ADHD and the degree to which my brain would resist memory and focus.  There have been times lately when I do not recognize who I am in my body if that makes sense.  Times when I don't want to be in my body because it does not feel like mine.  I have dealt with other things that have made it uncomfortable to be in my body before. Crohn's disease and chronic Lyme have, at times, taken their toll on my body and spirit.  But I was more prepared I guess.  I am unsure why, but these changes, this time, feel more jarring and difficult to manage.  

The suddenness of these changes has also, I believe, ignited a spiritual shift of sorts.  I can feel another layer of beliefs and ways of being trying to shed.  And there is resistance, which causes dissonance.  Which only makes the newfound anxiety feel more debilitating.   Yesterday, a powerful New Moon collided with a lack of sleep, leaving me in a state of complete overwhelm.  It felt like sadness, anger and despair all at once.  I could not focus on anything. My mind was like a squirrel running around in circles.  I tried to force myself to concentrate and finish my work tasks, which only brought on tears and frustration.  I finally let the tears fall, took a couple of deep breaths and closed my laptop.  I packed up all my things and practically ran out of the house and into my car to drive to the lake to spend the weekend with my cousin and some family.  As soon as I saw the water and sat by the fire there was sense of relief.  I could breathe.

This morning I woke up early and I picked up my journal and wrote for a long time.  I thought I would share some of what I wrote and the subsequent card I pulled because it all just felt like pure magic which only came about because I allowed myself to give up and give in.  To surrender.

"I can't lie, yesterday scared me.  It was hard. I did not feel like myself.  It was almost an out-of-body experience.  I did not want to be in my body. My brain felt disconnected and unwilling to do anything really.  Maybe it was just mama earth calling me here.  Here there is water, fire, earth and air.  An escape of sorts, but to a place that has a special spot in my heart.  The land here feels like home in a whole different way.  A place deep within me.  My child self.  I am tired.  My spirit is tired. It is trying to shed another layer.  Letting go and shedding your skin is hard work.  It cannot be done without rest and refuge from everyday life, responsibilities and activity. Perhaps that was the call to here that had me literally scrambling from my desk.  Perhaps that is why I woke up this morning feeling less anxious and more free.  Here is where I need to be to finish sloughing off this layer of being.  I can leave it here in the water, in the fire, in the wind.  It is one of many layers I have and will shed in this human life.  My soul is still learning lessons and evolving.  Unlike my human body, my soul is boundless and free.  It's going to be a journey to navigate these changes in my body and mind that are coming.  It is going to require me to offer myself and those around me new levels of grace, ease and compassion."

When I finished writing this, I decided to pull a card from my deck. Of course, the one that literally flew out of the deck was Serpent.  The card is, of course, about shedding layers and transformation.  It never ceases to amaze me how when I ask the universe for guidance, it delivers. Message received.  Just for today I watch and listen for guidance from my soul's voice and follow through on those nudges.  And so it is.

Some things never change. Or do they?

View fullsize

The inspiration for this blog. (Kind of). Red velvet cupcake.

A little share from my day.

This morning as I sat in my corner and finished up a little journaling, I had the nudge to go to a bin full of old journals, randomly pull one out, open it to any page and start reading.  So, I did just that. The one I picked up seems to be from early 2016.  As I read 10-15 pages I thought two things.  The first was wow, some things never change.  The second was, there seems to be nothing overly interesting or worthy of sharing in this journal. Knowing that I get nudges for a reason, I decided to just put it off to the side and move on with my day, realizing I would figure out why I pulled it out at some point.

Well, this afternoon after walking Luna in the woods with my husband we came back and the internal argument in my mind began.  It sounded something like this:  those red velvet cupcakes Steve made last night look REALLY good.  I should just have one.  What's one cupcake?  Then the voice of my body came in with the rebuttal.  You know you already feel off.  Your gut and your joints are inflamed and you know it.  Why would you eat that?  Take care of your body.  Nourish it.  

This conversation went on for quite some time.  Then I had the aha moment.  This is exactly what I was writing about in my journal entry from early May of 2016.  Here are a couple of excerpts from my journal.

"Today, my body is speaking to me.  rest she says.  Be good to me.  I am tired and weary.  My gut is inflamed and needs nourishing, healthy food."

"I heard my body loud and clear.  No more sugar.  No more gluten.  Nourish me."

I am sure if I go back years before 2016 I can find the same conversations over and over again.  And yes, I am still having them on the regular.  As someone who has managed Crohns disease and inflammation in my body my whole adult life, I know what my food triggers are.  I am very clear about how to manage things.  But, I am also human.  I LOVE food, food of all kinds including gluten and sugar.  And so, I go in cycles of being really conscious and mindful about what I am eating and periods of throwing my hands up in the air and just eating whatever I want.  

I share all of this because I am sure there are many folks out there who have parallel issues and experiences who get stuck in the same shame cycle as I do.  Thoughts such as, why can't you just do what you know is right for your body?  Why don't you have any self control?  What is wrong with you?  This part of things has gotten better for me, or at least it seems better to me, when I am actively working to stay connected to my inner knowing and higher power.  For some reason connecting with these things allows me to be more compassionate with myself, to treat myself more like I would a friend.  If I am honest that, too, is something I am cyclical with .  

In realizing that I am cyclical, like the moon.

I am able to allow myself to ebb and flow with things in my life without blaming and making a big deal of it.  Yes, I will still have the thought that I wish I could just be more consistent and dedicated to things.  But that is just not me and that is okay.  Things in nature ebb and flow.   The water.  The moon. The seasons. Allowing myself to connect with nature and live my life closer to those rhythms has changed my life for the better. In so many ways life is set up to disconnect us from nature and our bodies. It is a practice to stay connected. Ritual and ceremony have become integral and necessary parts of my life. And yes, I ebb and flow with that too!

Clearly I ebb and flow with blogging as well.  It seems the last time I posted on my blog was in November of 2019.  

Anyway, I hope this reaches someone who needed to hear this today.  If it resonates please do leave a comment or send me an email.  I love having conversations about life with others.

Take care of you.

Accepting Weakness and Vulnerability

I went to bed last night with thoughts about being weak rolling around in my head.  They came from an episode of Red Table Talk I watched yesterday.  It really hit home for me.  This is for sure one of the things I struggle with.  Why as a woman do I feel I have to be strong all the time?  Why am I okay to cry in front of my husband and sons when it is about a TV show or sad story on the internet, but not when it’s my own pain. 

Why is authentic and vulnerable emoting so fucking hard for me? 

I know growing up I was a very sensitive soul.  I felt a LOT.  I honestly don’t remember if I was able or even comfortable with expressing that.  What I do know is I come from a long line of strong women.  I don’t recall with the exception of funerals much emotion from anyone. It was as if everything was okay all the time.  I don’t recall seeing my mom cry more than a handful of times in my life.  I am sure she cried more than that, but I don’t recall witnessing it.  I also don’t remember ever seeing my mom angry.  I know as a parent she surely was, but she must have expressed it behind closed doors.  It was as if, to me as a child, she had her shit together all the time.

Now being an adult, a mom and working full time, as my mom did my whole life, I know this simply cannot be true.   My guess is that behind those closed doors there were many times when she cried or raged with frustration or overwhelm.  But I NEVER saw that.  I am sure that is because she protected me from it.

By osmosis what I learned was that I must be strong and put together.  I learned that it is important to appear like all is okay all the time.  I know this not my mom’s intention.  It was what she learned.  My grandmother Hazel was one tough cookie.  Loving and caring, but not in a warm and fuzzy way.  At least not in my memory.  As a child I was somewhat intimidated by her strength and presence.

Generational conditioning.  We learn what we see and experience.  Children model what we do, not necessarily what we say.  If I tell my boys it is safe to express their feelings but I don’t model that by sharing mine, it does not ring true in their hearts.  It is work for me to be vulnerable and weak.  Even writing the word weak I went back to edit it to something else.  That is how uncomfortable I am with weak.  It really isn’t a bad word….  I recall a time when I actually got angry with my husband for telling my son not to bother me or ask me for anything because I wasn’t well.    He told him to just let me rest.  I was really struggling with my health and my husband was trying to support me.  My first thought was this: How dare you tell my son I am weak.  I can take care of things.  How fucked up is that?  I got angry at him for trying to help me because I couldn’t stand to seem weak or vulnerable.

Life and our unfolding is not linear.  It is a long series of ups and downs.  That is most definitely how my experience with being vulnerable has been.  Sometimes I move past my programming with ease and other times I have push past it with clenched fists and gritted teeth.  Such is the journey of life and growth.  It’s a rollercoaster ride.  One that most days I find the clarity to be grateful for.  I share this because I sense that many women have, between family and culture, taken on similar beliefs.  The more we share, the less we feel alone.

PS. For those who are wondering if this will hurt my mom’s feelings or make her feel bad, she was the first one I sent it to. I would not have shared it without her okay. But you see we are healing together which is a beautiful thing. She, as always, told me to share if that is what I am feeling called to do. I sure do LOVE my mom. As for Hazel, she and I have a better relationship now than we did when she was on this plane. She is with me often as are my other female ancestors. Her energy feels different now that she’s crossed over. More soft and loving. We are all good.

Body Love

I’m not going to lie, the conversations going on in my head have not been kind this week.  In truth I have been struggling with loving and embracing my body on and off for most of my life.  I am sure this is the case for many.  To be honest I hesitated to write this blog.  In the past my disclosures of the self-talk in my head about my body have been met with comments like this:  What do you have to complain about?  You are thin.   You are not fat. Let it go.

In truth, my experience is my experience.  I know women of absolutely every size and shape who struggle with their body image.   It’s so important to not feel alone.  To know others are dealing with similar things.  So despite my hesitation and anxiety about it, I am choosing to share my story.

As I said, the negative body talk has always been around.  What is sounds like depends on the year, the month, the time of month and sometimes the day.  Things can get pretty nasty when I am coming up on my moon cycle.   What really kicked things off this week was the scale.  I have not weighed myself in a couple of years.  I just pay attention to how my clothes feel on me.  But on Monday I was worried about how heavy my suitcase was, so I weighed myself with and without it just to be sure.  If I am honest, I’ve known I am up a handful of pounds over the last couple of years.  I have been much less active for a variety of reasons.

But…..  Seeing the number on the scale coupled with putting on work clothes that I haven’t had on weeks sent my ego voice into a tirade.  You are out of shape.  You are weak.  You are squishy.  You are lazy.  Yup, that all swirled around in my head the last few days.  It’s insane really.   The saving grace is that even though it sucks, I can be the observer of it. I don’t get as stuck in the spiral of self-loathing as I used to.  I know much of that is not true.  Some is.  But none of it is completely out of my control.

It’s kind of nutty that after YEARS of work around self-love and self-care,  I still struggle with this.  But it really isn’t that surprising.  As women/girls we are conditioned to believe our worth is not inherent.  It is dictated by our bodies.  Our clothes.  Our hair.   It’s ingrained in our culture.  Even with deep knowledge and even knowing that I am worthy, that shit still creeps in.  Luckily it isn’t as long lasting and I can step back, listen to the self-talk and remind myself what the truth is.  I can move back to a space of knowing that I am doing the best I can.

My prayer every day is for patience and presence with my body, my spirit and my own unfolding.  Isn’t that all we really have.  Each moment.  The present moment.

I am sharing all of this so others who struggle with negative self-talk and body image know they are not alone.  I have found that because I mentor women and lead circles others assume I have it all figured out.  That is absolutely not true.  We all have our shit.  Every single one of us.  I teach what I have come to learn. That shows up over and over again in my life.  If I wait until I think I am ready (hint: that will never happen) I would never share my lessons or wisdom in the world.  I am going to wrap this up by reminding you and of course myself of this.  You are worthy just as you are.  You are beautiful and whole.  Please do not forget that.  Ever.

Once Upon a Time.......

I have been spending some time updating the My Story page on my website to reflect more accurately where I am in my life.  It so interesting how our stories evolve and change so quickly. 

So I guess it’s no surprise that I woke up this morning with all of these thoughts rolling around in my head around story.  About how our stories, the ones we have lived and the ones we tell ourselves are formed not only from our experience in this lifetime, but by the lives our soul has journeyed before this life.  We are really such complex beings. 

It’s been interesting to witness the unearthing of my story over these last couple of years working with my mentor Jess with a journey called Story Medicine.  My body story is just one of them. I have always felt the undercurrent of a belief that my body is broken.  That it is less than.  This story began in utero as the amniotic fluid I was being held in became infected.  Before I was even earth side my immune system was fighting.  Born with sepsis in my blood I recovered over the course of weeks, only to find out upon getting ready to leave the hospital that I had a congenital hip defect.  This would result in a cast of both legs with a metal bar in the middle.  I literally dragged myself around with my arms as my hip attempted to repair itself.  Again, just like my sepsis, I bounced back.  That is until I was 4 years old and discovered that I could not do one dance move that everyone else in my tap class could do.  I could not move my leg that way.  The result, a reconstructive surgery during which the surgeon took part of my pelvic bone and grafted it into my hip joint. 

Weeks, maybe months (I don’t really remember) I lived in a cast that extended from right below my boobs all the way to my toes on my left side.  This left me needing to learn to walk again and basically be re-potty trained at almost 5 years old. I would pee in my bed at night which resulted in waking up my sister (we shared a bed) and thus my mom at all hours of the night.  I felt like a burden. In my 20’s I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease and in my 40’s along came chronic Lyme.  So you can see, it feels like I have been at war with my body my whole life.  I tell you this not for pity.  I tell you this because it is my story.  It informs how I show up in this world.

Yet, as a space holder, one who has sat and listened and held women as they speak into the world their own stories.  Stories that are often filled with trauma and horrific circumstances.  I have found myself thinking, should I be doing this work.  I don’t have that kind of trauma.  I have and always have had loving parents.  I have never faced what I see as serious adversity.  Who am I to hold space for these women?  I even had a client/friend reflect my own internal story back to me as we were having a hard conversation.  She said, “Really Angie, what have you ever really had to deal with”.  Ouch.  That hit hard.  She said exactly what I have been saying to myself for years now.  I am grateful for that exchange and that reflection.  I needed to realize and own that I was holding that belief.

In truth, comparison robs us of joy.  The whole idea of one person’s pain or story being bigger or more important is a disservice to self and others.  We all have shit.  We all have stories.  We all have pain and sadness.  If we never share our story because we or others don’t deem them worthy, we are robbing ourselves of the opportunity to heal and others of the chance to really see and hear us.

“Oh, Women! Let your stories be wild and free like the salmon. Let them sing their way Home! Do not hold them dammed up inside of your being as our ancestors have done. Your stories told and held sacred are the doorway you run through. Your dreams, visions and gifts are patiently waiting for you to arrive!  - Jessica Zinchuk

I am crystal clear now about my unique gift and how to express it in this lifetime.  I am a  SPACE HOLDER.  I have the honor of creating safe, sacred space for others to share their truth.  For them to feel heard and held in a new way.  I continue to do the work of owning my own story, of making friends with my body.  Listening to her.  Honoring her.  She is the embodiment of the goddess here on this plane.  I am creating a new story. One is which I embody my own truth.

My story continues to unfold.  For that I am truly grateful.  Aho.

How can you unearth and honor your own story?  Are you open and willing to creating a new story?

LISTEN

 

I’m not really sure where to start.  I have felt called to share this for days and have been at a loss for words.  Those of you who know me well, know that this is a rare occasion.  I am never at a loss for words!  I am honestly not sure if it has been a loss of words or lack of energy to actually sit down and write.  Either way, it’s time. 

I would like to start by saying I am incredibly grateful for my SO many things in my life.  I am not one to whine or complain, well not much anyway.  I have always prided myself on being strong and self-sufficient.  Sometimes, to a fault.  I share this story not so much for me, but for all of those out there who have a deep connection with their intuition, who hear it loud and clear.  Yet, for any number of reasons choose not to listen or allow others to convince them that their knowing is wrong.

This week I found out I have Lyme disease. It wasn’t easy getting to a diagnosis.  I am not really sure if it is new or not.  I believe it isn’t.  I had a tick bite 5-6 years ago, bulls eye and all.  I went to my PCP that week.  About a week later they tested me for Lyme and it was negative.  Of course, it never shows up that quickly.  In the years following I went to the doctor’s a handful of times complaining about extreme fatigue, joint pain and a general feeling of malaise. (along with other weird and random symptoms)   Each time some blood work was run, not a Lyme test because I was told I already had a negative test, and it was always normal.  I was then told I was fine and it was likely related to my Crohn’s disease and I could go see my GI if I wanted to.

What really gets me is that I knew I wasn’t okay.  I had a deep knowing that something was wrong, but I never pushed.  I didn’t want to appear whiny or too much.  It was easier to blindly trust the doctor than to really listen to my intuition and speak up.  Many times I have felt like I must be crazy.  That I must have a low tolerance for discomfort.  I basically accepted that tired and achy was my baseline.  I should say that before the tick bite I had some of these same symptoms and I was always able to attribute them to my Crohn’s.  But I have known this is different.

Well, as the universe will do when we don’t listen, it turned up the volume.  In addition to the fatigue and body aches I recently started having lots of neurological symptoms and exhaustion like nothing I have ever experienced. I honestly thought I might be becoming depressed or something else.  I just had zero energy for anything.

This time I chose a different path.  I sought out a naturopath that I knew would help me dig.  She believed me that I felt horrible and vowed to help me find the answer.  She started with all the regular blood work and the Lyme test (she suspected it from the start) that insurance will cover, which by the way comes back negative in the majority of people.  It’s basically useless.  The blood work came back showing I was anemic which could help explain some of the fatigue, but not all my symptoms.  I decided to pay out of pocket to have a more comprehensive Lyme test done.  Before the results were even back I began a 28-day course of Doxycycline because my provider was convinced it was that.  Then the positive result came back the other day. 

I have to say that I was relieved to have a diagnosis even though it is a scary one.  I now know I am not crazy.  I know that my intuition was on.  I am reading up and studying about Lyme and the different ways to treat it.  I am going into this eyes wide open and ready to rid my body of it.

Really all of this is to say, please, please, please listen to your intuition.  Not only listen, follow through.  Don’t ignore it.  Find someone who will listen and support you.  You KNOW.  I KNEW.  I had to listen and find my voice.  I had to refuse to take no for an answer.  You are the only one that lives in your body.  You understand better than anyone what is going on.  Believe in the knowing.

I write this as much for me as I do for you.  Thank you for sharing in my story, in my journey.  I am incredibly blessed to have so many people that love and support me. I am already building an amazing care team to help me get rid of this.  Doctors, acupuncturists, energy healers, herbalists. 

I went back and forth with whether to share this or not. I REALLY don’t want sympathy.  I will, however, fully receive any love, light or healing you want to send my way.  What I would really LOVE is for you to take some time out to tune in and listen to your own intuition.  Connect with your KNOWING and act on it!  Then you won’t end up like me with your intuition saying, I told you so.

PS.  Many of you know that I worked in the medical field most of my adult life.  I am in no way dissing the whole profession.  I will say that I was blessed to work for a doctor who would never stop until he had an answer for his patients.  Unfortunately, medicine has changed in such a way that docs can't spend enough time with their patients.  They are forced to see too many patients a day in order to stay in practice.  Insurance companies basically dictate the care we receive.  Okay, now i will get off my soapbox.  

IT'S ALL A CHOICE

Empath -  a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

My whole life I have been an empath.  I have to admit, I never really understood that or what it meant until the last handful of years.  As a child and young adult, I always had the ability to feel out someone's energy and what it is they needed without even speaking to them. It made me, and still does, physically uncomfortable to see others suffering or sad.  I was always like Switzerland, trying to fit in with everyone, never wanting one person to feel more important than another.  This landed me lots of friends and accolades like, friendliest person in my class.  Yet, I never really knew what "it" was that drove all of this.   This thing that made me able to feel so deeply what others were feeling, sometimes to even know what they were thinking.

Since learning about empathy and what it all means I have swung from seeing it as a divine gift to a painful curse, depending on how I am feeling in my life at any given time.  Of late, I am able to see it as a beautiful gift, but let's back up for a moment.  Everything, and I mean everything, has a light and a shadow side.  Empathy is no different.  

The shadow side of being an empath is that if one is not in integrity with themselves and those around them, they can use their gift to be manipulative.  Let's face it, when you have the ability to know what someone is feeling, to feel out an entire room without much effort, you can use that information however you would like.  If your intent it control a situation or create a certain outcome, you can manipulate the people involved or situation at hand to do just that.  I have seen other empaths do this and I am sure I have done it myself at some point.

The opposite of this is the light side of empathy.  An empath can use their inherent spidey senses for the greater good.  They can help and support others.  By knowing how others feel and even being able to feel it in their own body, they can offer help in ways that others cannot.  In this way, the gift is used to help others heal and transform their lives.  This can be a very big responsibility and feel overwhelming at times.

I get to choose if I want to go deep with someone in this way.  It's a conscious choice. 

When I, or any other empath, choose to go deep and use our gifts to serve humanity and those around us, it is imperative that we take exquisite care of ourselves.  By putting ourselves first, engaging in lots of self-care and nurturing,  we can truly honor and utilize our gifts to their fullest.

When I take exquisite care of myself, I am able to see my empathy as a gift.

Deep and consistent self-care allows me to set and maintain clear boundaries around myself and my energy.  I am more radiant and a vibrate at a higher frequency.  I can truly be of service by coming at my life from a place of being filled up and turned on.

When I choose not to take care of myself first and put others ahead of me, that is when my empathy becomes a burden. I allow others to feed off my energy.  I begin to feel depleted, resentful and sad.  I want to be sure you heard what I said.  I choose whether or not to take care of myself.  It is a choice.  I get to dictate whether being an empath is a gift or a curse based on my own behavior and actions.

Realizing that all of this is a choice has been a HUGE awakening for me.  I am finding it especially important in these times of intense energy shifts and upheaval to choose wisely, both for myself and those I am here to serve.  My deepest desire is to be of service in a way that shares my gifts with those who need them.  This means making a commitment to myself to choose what lights me up and keeps me tapped into my own radiance and intuition.  

What are you choosing?  If you are feeling like your empathy is a burden or a weakness, how can you choose differently?

Is it Really as Easy as Taking a Bath?

Life can feel overwhelming and exhausting.  I know in my experience that managing two businesses while raising two boys and running a household can be challenging on many fronts.  It takes conscious effort and a fair amount of work to live in a state of joy and flow.  That said, feeling flow in my life is SO worth the work.

Many of us are looking for an easy solution, a magical pill.  

Well my friend, I can tell you that there is no such thing.   In order to find peace, flow and clarity you have to do the work.  The good news is there are magical ways to make doing the work seem less stressful and more simple.  My number one tool for getting out of overwhelm and a state of feeling stuck may seem too easy.  Do you want to know what it is?  Taking a bath!  Yes, you heard me right.  Taking a bath is one of my favorite, powerful ways to connect back to myself and my inner voice and my sense of calm.

Being in a state of connection with my deeper, authentic voice is the key to my personal and professional growth.

Let me clarify.  I know some of you are thinking wait, she is saying all I need to do is take a bath. That's too easy.  I don't even like to take baths.  Baths are gross.  I can hear all of the counter arguments now.  My go to way of connecting quickly and relaxing my mind and my body is to hop in a epsom salt bath, burn some candles and hang out with my crystals.  That is just MY way. 

There are SO many ways to connect with your intuition and your inner voice.  What you are aiming for with whatever it is you choose is an activity (or lack thereof) that allows you to get out of your head and into your body.  Something that gets you in your zone.

What is your zone?  It is that space where you are no longer "thinking".  You are feeling your way through things.  You are using your deeper intuition.  

Some other ways I know of to tap into your authentic voice are: yoga, walking, cooking, creating art, writing, meditating, running, gardening.   I could go on and on.  You get the point.  Pay attention when you are involved in activities in your life.  Find the ones that feel flowy and meditative.  You will know when you have found one when, at the end of it, you realize time flew by and you weren't even conscious of what you were doing.  

When you find your way of connecting, do LOTS of that!  Make it a priority.  Schedule time each week to fit it in.  

Then pay attention to how you feel afterwards.  Are you noticing more ease and more clarity, less overwhelm?  If so, keep up the good work.  It is so easy to keep ourselves busy these days.  We can easily ignore our intuition by busying ourselves with work, family and life in general.  Ignoring our inner voice can only go on for so long.

What starts out as a whisper from your soul, when not listened to, can turn into a scream or a hit over the head.

That can look like lots of things.  Some of those include: physical and emotional exhaustion, overwhelm, illness, depression, feelings of being lost or stuck.  I am sure all of us have felt some of these at one time or another.  When we live in a state of disconnection for too long, these feelings become our norm.  This is just not a necessary way of being.

My mission is to support everyone I can to tap into their intuition and inner voice and feel deeply connected to themselves and their desires.  That is why I am creating a new online group coaching program called 40 Days to Unearth Your Soul's Voice.   Participants in this course will receive a video prompt every day for 40 days that will offer ways to connect and tap in.  We will have a live call at 20 days and again at the end of the 40 days to talk about how things are going and answer any questions that come up.

Registration for 40 Days is going to open on May 23rd and the course begins on June 10th.  I would love for you to join me.  If you are interested, you can sign up to be on my list here: http://www.angieandrewsinspire.com.  That way you will be one of the first to know when it opens.  As an extra gift you will receive my e-book The Seeker's Guide to Radical Self-Care as well.

I would love to hear from you in the comments below.  What are they ways you currently connect with your intuition?  Are you tapping in?  Or do you feel like there is no time for that?  What keeps you from making time for you?

Sending you love and light.

Angie

Riding the Waves

I am learning to play.  Watching my kids and husband play in the ocean is just too enticing not to jump in and join them.  So, I take the plunge.  The waves here on Playa Cocles are pretty large and intense.  There is opportunity after opportunity to ride them and body surf.  This is all new to me.  It used to be, not too long ago, that I would not join in the fun, preferring instead to observe.  That seemed to be safer, less messy and, well, easier.

Looking back, that is kind of how I was showing up in my life.  Doing what was comfortable and what didn’t rock the boat.

I made a habit of not stretching myself.  Sure I was working hard, long hours at my JOB and exhausting my body and quite frankly my soul.  Interestingly, that seemed easier (or so I now see in hindsight) than listening to the call of my soul and following a path into the unknown.

In some ways my “asleep” life was easier.  But it was killing my soul a little at a time.

Almost three years down the path of my “awake” life I can say that there have been many challenging moments and plenty of bumps in the road. (and there continue to be)  Happily, I can also say that I have never felt more alive, joyful or free.  To some this would seem insane as I currently have no steady income, no defined plan for how that will happen and zero intention of having another 9-5 JOB.

Listening to your soul’s voice and taking action from that place is not always easy.  It is, however, always rewarding.

All of this came to me other other day as I was playing in the ocean with my boys.  You really have to be ready for anything when you are playing in the waves.  I chose to just close my eyes and trust.  As the waves would approach I would put my arms out and close my eyes.  Sometimes I would ride the wave in with ease and grace feeling carried by mama ocean.  Other times I would get thrown around and find myself thrashing, coming up for air with a nose and mouth full of saltwater, my hair full of sand.

The beauty was not only in those moments of ease and grace, but in coming up from those moments of uncertainty and thrashing with a smile on my face.

See when you live a heart centered life you can find beauty in all of it, the good, the bad and the ugly.  You experience gratitude, love and awe in every little thing.  Does that mean it always feels pleasant and rosy?  Hell no!  Yet, somehow it feels more right because it is aligned with your soul’s voice, your intuition.  There is a connection there to something bigger and more powerful than just your human body and form.

Living an “awake” and intuitive life in not for those seeking the easy path.

It is for those who are looking to connect with something deep within their hearts that is begging to be heard and honored with aligned action.  I know first hand how easy it can be to ignore that inner voice.  How much more comfortable it is to think no thanks, this all seems way more difficult than leaving my blinders on and plugging along like I have been.  I implore you to try listening.  I beg of you not to squash your intuition any longer.  Wake up to what really lights you up and makes you deeply happy.  By doing so you will encourage those around you to do the same.  What a beautiful world it would be if we were all lit up and living a heart centered existence. 

Ride the waves of life with an open heart, faith in your soul and a huge smile on your face.

Much love.

Angie

The Magic in Breathing

View fullsize

We so easily recognize the cycles of things in the natural world. 

The seasons.

The Moon. 

Our menstrual cycle. 

In most cases we see these things as regular, flowing occurrences that come and go with some semblance of order.  Perhaps this perception of what cyclical things look like confuses us when we are dealing with the cycles in our own lives.  We expect things should flow, one into another.  Yes, we tolerate bumps in the road, but when it comes to the unknown, I know I have a tendency to freak out a bit.  An example of this in my life would be when I encounter a funk or a period of time when I feel out of flow, out of touch with myself.  Keep in mind that as a coach and a healer I teach women to honor where they are in the moment.  I help them to focus on gratitude for the present,  for each experience.  Yet, when I find myself feeling a little down or a little lost, I start to judge myself and I start searching for answers.

Why to I feel this way?  What is going on?  How can I fix it?

I can hear the gremlin in my head say, “you know how to fix this.  Do what you need to do to get over it.”  Would I ever tell a client or a friend to just get over it?  Hell no!  What I fail to honor in those moments is that life is cyclical, but not predictable.  It is a series of ups and downs.  There are moments of immense joy and peace mixed with moments of fear and doubt.  And really, all of it is okay.  It all has a place.  

Why then do I freak out?  Because I am human. 

Human beings when faced with uncertainty will always have a moment of fear and doubt, a feeling of oh shit!  We wonder what is going to happen next.  

I myself, do not really enjoy this feeling, that is until I start to breathe.  I breathe really deeply and for a long time.  Then I find grace in acknowledging this feeling.  Acknowledging my humanness and surrendering into that. 

It is so interesting that we forget to breathe.  We forget the simplest thing.  Yes, obviously, we are breathing all the time.  Our body does it for us.  But it is often shallow and not done in a calming fashion.  In order to really benefit from deep breathing you need to breathe correctly. Here is how you do yogic breathing:  On the in breath the belly and chest expand and on the out breath the belly should contract and your belly button should push towards your spine.  I know I spent the first 42 years of my life breathing backwards.  Trying to always suck my belly in and not push it out.  There is magic in yogic breathing!

Could it really be that easy?  Stop. Observe. Breathe.  Relax.  

Will this solve all your problems or bring an end to your feelings of fear and doubt?  Surely not right away.  But a consistent practice of stopping to breathe DEEPLY and be in the moment can go a long way towards helping you to stop the feeling of freak out and surrender just a little bit to what is happening in the moment.  A long line of these moments strung together can truly transform how you experience your life.

The truth is that we create our own reality with our thoughts and our actions.  So it only makes sense that taking a few minutes now and then to breathe, surrender and be in the moment will create more peace and calm in your life. 

Does it change what is going on?  No.  Does it begin to create a new reality and a new way of being?  Absolutely.  

I love how small things done over time can change the landscape of our lives.  So today, just start with breathing.  Long, deep belly breaths for even 3 minutes a day will provide you a little respite from the stress and the chaos.  Over the course of days and weeks you will begin to see a new way of being emerge.   You will create a new reality.   

You are worthy of your own care and attention.

Much love.

Angie

Why All You Need To Know Is Your Why

I used to plan everything.  I was never really concerned with why I was doing things as much as I was with how it would all roll out.  Planning, plotting, and scheduling were some of my favorite things to do, or so I thought.   Even as I write these words, my body becomes uneasy.  I am not sure I ever truly enjoyed or relished that way of being in the world.  I think I just thought that this is what you do.  Reflecting on some of the times when all my planning and plotting did not pan out the way I thought it would, I can see that I was setting myself up for failure, or at least that is how I perceived it.

What I did not fully grasp at that time is that I was not the one in control.  I never have been.  Ultimately, the divine will have the last say on how things shake out.  All I can control is my WHY.  Why am I doing what I am doing?  What is my intention?

You see, the divine (or God, universe, source, nature, higher power), is just waiting to serve us.  It wants us to be joyful, fulfilled and abundant.  The problem is without clarity around exactly why we desire what we do, it is unable to assist us in manifesting it.  If we are giving mixed signals or are wishy-washy about our why and/or our intention, there is no way for it to deliver.

By getting clear on the why behind our goals we provide the clarity and vision the divine needs.  We help the forces that be to help us.

I have to say that surrendering control of how the path unfolds in front of me has been one of the most difficult experiences I have had, but it has also been one of the most beautiful.  Each morning I set an intention of surrender in my morning self-care ritual.  I use a prayer I learned from Tosha Silver, “Divine Beloved, take me over and do what you will”.  I also say a prayer from Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love:

“Use me.  Where would you have to me go today?   What would you have me do today?  What would you have me say today?  And to whom?” 

I now have clarity around my why.  Here is a glimpse of it:  Because I have to. It is why I am here.  To be of service.  To spread love and light.  To be the healer I was sent here to be.  So, now I am able to surrender control to the divine and simply observe how the path unfolds.  I watch for signs and synchronicity.  I listen intently to my intuition.  I work to stay open and walk into the mystery life often presents.

At first this was scary.  It still is at times. However, it has also been one of the most freeing and joy producing experiences of my life.  I still work pretty much every day to embrace divine timing.  I am not by nature a patient being. I prefer things happen on my time line which is usually NOW.  This is getting easier with each passing day.

I would like to encourage you to explore this concept.  Perhaps do a little experiment in your life.  Spend some time getting clear on your why.  Then, surrender control of the how, if even for a dayor two.  Whether you pray or not, justput it out there that you are ready to be used by the universe in whatever way serves the world and you the most.  Once you have done that begin to be very observant of what happens in your life.  Who starts showing up?  What synchronicity’s are occurring?  What is your intuition nudging you to do?  To try?  Then follow the path and see where it leads you.

Have fun and enjoy the experiment.  I would love to know how it goes!

Wishing you peace and flow in your life.

Angie

Are You A Quitter? Or Are You Just A Dabbler?

When things got hard I used to quit.  That became my story.  It went something like this:

“You never finish anything you start.  You are a quitter.”

Looking back now I am realizing that this story was no more than the nasty ego gremlin making shit up to make me feel and remain small.  When I reflect on the things I didn’t finish: my masters in Psychology, the pre-med program and karate, (I could go on and on) I realize that it wasn’t’ because I couldn’t or because I as a quitter.  It was because I was redirected by the universe.  The redirection took various forms, but it was always there.

I am now embracing the idea that it is okay to dabble in things.  It’s okay to just give them a try.  How else will we know what lights usup and what doesn’t?  Instead of looking at it this way, I used to look at not following something all the way through as failure.  People in my life would comment about how I jump from one thing to another.  I took this as validation that I would never figure out what my true purpose was.  I know now that that is bullshit.

I was looking for purpose in my job and in other activities.  Hello!!  No one’s purpose here is there job.

Our purpose is to be who we really are deep inside and to share that with the world.  Yes, many times this lead to a business or career as we figure out how to best shine our own unique light in the world.  I have to say that realizing this and living my life in this way has been transformational for me.  How light and beautiful does it feel to think about approaching life this way?

I am here to be fully me, to shine my light and share my gifts with the world.

Knowing this allows everything else to fall into place.  I am not delusional.  I realize that this path, too, can be difficult and challenging.  Life is never about a constant state of happiness and bliss.  Life is a roller coater ride.  It has ups and it has downs.

What I have found is that coming from a place of knowing who I truly am, honoring that and living from that space, makes the ride much easier to handle. 

Now when I start something and I am partially through it and my gut and heart are not in feeling it, I spend some time assessing what I am really feeling and if it isn’t lighting me up, I let it go.  I have gratitude for the experience, but I know it is time to move on.  It is easier for me now to know what truly works in my life because when it gets hard or uncomfortable I have no desire to quit.  I KNOW this is just a bump in the road and I ride it out.  Don’t get me wrong.  I still have moments where I pitch a fit, have a freak out and throw my hands up in the air.  The difference is that now I know on the other side of this is calmness and a knowing that I am on the right path. 

If I continue being open to what life is handing me, while being fully myself and sharing my light with others, I can’t go wrong.

Living life in this way has already led me to so many beautiful things.  Since becoming more clear on why I am here, the how of it has begun to unfold before my eyes.

I encourage you to have faith and trust in your heart, the voice of the divine within.  When you do, life will unfold before you in a magical, beautiful way.

0 Likes

A Gentle (or not so gentle) Reminder from the Universe

SOMETIMES THE UNIVERSE REMINDS US THAT WE ARE ALL HERE TO LEARN. 

We are all here to feel life fully and deeply.

I am a teacher and a healer, but I am also a student.  I am frequently reminded that I am here to learn about exactly what it is I am teaching to others. It seems that when I start to lose sight of that, I receive some sort of nudge or in some cases, like the past week, I get a smack right up side the head from the universe!

Last week I started out a long travel week to California with a bad head cold.  I was pretty psyched to wake up the day of my flight feeling much better than I had been.  But I was also surprised to find a rash developing on my legs. I really didn’t think much of it.  I have pretty sensitive skin.  That is until I found myself getting ready to fly from New Jersey to Cali with a rash from head to toe.  It traveled up my body fast and was super hot and itchy.  MISERABLE! 

For an entire week I would spend my days training clients only to run back to my hotel at the end of the day and tear of my work clothes so I could soak in a cool tub.  Even after a shot in the ass of steroids and copious amounts of Benadryl and other antihistamines, it was no better. 

So you can imagine, that by the time my red eye home on Friday came around I was More than ready to get home.  As I parked my rental car,  I got an alert from the airline saying my flight was delayed.  Making my tight (1 hour) connection was not looking good.  By the time I got to the ticket counter it was obvious that I would not make my connection and my trip home was in jeopardy. 

The older gentleman helping me was SO sweet.  He was trying really hard to find me alternative flights home that would allow me to catch my 8:30am flight home from Newark the next morning.  As I watched him pound his keyboard, panic started to set in.  I was not in a headspace of acceptance and flow.  I wanted home NOW!  I tried deep breathing.  I was breathing in peace and love and breathing out doubt and fear, but I was still feeling panicked.

Then it happened, the man looked up and me and said, ma’am, I don’t think I am going to be able to get you home tomorrow. 

That was it.  I started to cry.  Tears poured down my face I the reality set in that I would not be home in the morning. 

I would proceed to cry and lose my shit several times before my delayed flight left later that night.

Why you might ask have I chosen to share this story with you.  I have chosen to share it because it shines a light so beautifully on what I teach women every day. 

We are not in control of how things unfold.  Life does not happen on our timeline.  It does not follow a defined set of rules.

It happens in divine order, in divine timing.  Our job is to flow with it and to find peace amidst the chaos.  We need to be willing to be open and surrender to what is in any given moment. I knew that.  I felt a tiny bit of surrender somewhere in my being, but I couldn’t grasp it.

I wanted it my way.  I wanted it on my time.

Once I allowed myself to feel sad and to cry, I was able to let go.  Immediately, I felt peace start to fall back in, despite the incessant itching and exhaustion.  I finished out the trip focusing on how I could best take care of myself in this situation, in that moment.

I plugged back into a space of surrender and trust that all would unfold as it was meant to.

I did not make it home at my scheduled time, but I did get home safely and with plenty of time to hand out with my family.

I am thankful to the divine and the universe for the reminder.  My only responsibility is to know what I choose to feel and create in my life and make choices based on that

How it all unfolds, well that is really none of my business.

Wishing you peace and flow in your life.

Much love.

Angie

A Shared Struggle: Worthiness

Worthiness.  What does it really mean to be worthy?  Why is it so important?  These questions and others like it have been rolling around in my brain for weeks.  As a self-care coach and mentor to women it is my honor and privilege to help women realize and grasp their own inherent self-worth.  After all, self-love and self-worth are necessary for one to dive deep into self-care.  Isn’t that the foundation and driving force behind wanting to care for and connect with oneself on a deeper level?  I believe it is!

What I am figuring out is that loving yourself and feeling worthy is not and end point goal.  What do I mean by that?

I mean that worthiness is a journey and not a destination. 

It is an experience that changes in look and feel daily.  Just like a river, it ebbs and flows.  Just when you think you have it nailed,  you turn around to find that you don’t.  One day you can bask fully in feeling you are enough and you are worthy and the next you can sense this elusive feeling slipping away.

There is a saying that we teach what we have come to learn.  Oh how true this is.

I often see my own struggles mirrored back to me by the women I work with.  I am in no way void of the difficulties and issues that my clients have.  I am human.  I am working and feeling my way through my own journey.

Recently I have felt totally blocked.  I could not put my finger on what it was or where it was coming from, but it was like my creativity and inspiration tap was turned off.  No motivation.  No new ideas.  After much soul searching and meditation, I came to realize that it was coming from a place of feeling unworthy. 

Who am I to put my writing out there for the world to see?  Who am I to coach other women?  Who am I to shine my light so brightly in the world? 

My coach and I did a meditation and exercise to try to get to the bottom of this feeling.   She asked me, “When was the first time you remember feeling unworthy?”   Immediately I saw myself, 5 years old, sitting on the bathroom floor at our house.  My mom was changing the bed that I shared with my sister because I had, yet again, wet the bed.  I felt embarrassed and unworthy.  I was recovering after having been in a cast from my chest down to my toes on my left side for many weeks.  I had reconstructive hip surgery.  At the age of 5 I had to be re-potty trained.  My 5 year old self did not register that this was part of the healing process.

After this session I did not trust that this memory could have anything to do with my feelings of unworthiness.  I just didn’t seem like that big of a deal or that profound an experience.  My 44 year old self could not fathom had this could be so important.   Fast forward a couple of weeks to a Reiki training I was participating in.  My teacher was doing Reiki on me.  Afterwards she told me that she felt stuck energy in my lower back, around L5.   She said her sense was that there was something stuck  there that happened around age 5.  Well, given that she knew nothing of what I had experienced with my coach, I decided that I should have in fact trusted my memory and what came up for me.

What I have learned is that our feelings of unworthiness can have deep roots.  As young children we do not have the discernment to know what constitutes an event worthy of life long feelings of unworthiness. 

We feel what we feel and that can become part of our belief system.

I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to realize what I had internalized and work to heal that.  I can see now that there was no reason to feel unworthy.  I was just a little girl who was going through a lot.

I share this because I talk with women all the time who struggle with self-worth, loving and accepting themselves.  I believe that knowing we are not alone and that we all fight the same battles can be reassuring and healing.  I feel grateful that the days where I know I am enough and worthy of deep, nurturing self-care are now much more numerous than those when I do not.  I wish you well on your journey to self-love and worthiness.  Please know that you are worth it and you are enough.

“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left is undone, I am enough.” – Brene Brown

Love and light.

Angie

Sometimes You Just Have to Say Fuck It! And That's Okay.

March 21, 2015

I have always believed that I have to work hard and bust my ass to be successful.  (Success, in this case, meant financial and professional gain.)  Being still and allowing myself significant down time was never part of my reality. 

I have been more comfortable and at ease when I am busy and distracted. 

In the last couple of years I have worked hard to create a life in which I practice engaging in just “being” on a daily basis.  I teach this tool to the women I coach.  I really thought I had it mastered.  I have an established daily self-care ritual that I am pretty consistent with.  I meditate.  I do yoga.  I journal.  I thought I had it all figured out.  Boy, was I mistaken!  The month of March has taught me a whole new level of “being” 

“We are human beings, not human doings”.  Yogi Bhajan

Work slowed down considerably.  I wasn’t traveling.  I found myself feeling a little lost.  While I am completely comfortable being quiet and contemplative for an hour or two a day, all day every day with no defined work schedule is foreign to me.  At first I found myself feeling panicked about how to fill the days.  I scrambled to find various ways to stay busy.  Otherwise, I felt like I was being lazy.  I felt guilty.  Then, the insanely charged feminine energy of March took over.  (For those of you that don’t follow astrology, March is a month full of crazy energy and power) 

I went from being in go mode to feeling called to walk in the woods, read and just hang out.  At first my mind (the seat of my ego) fought this.  I would have thoughts running through my head that sounded something like:  You’re lazy.  This isn’t going to help you with supporting your family.  You should be working on your business. 

My heart, my soul felt: Peace. Contentment. Freedom.  Connection.  Creativity.

The battle between my mind and my heart raged on for a few days until one day I finally said, “Fuck it!!!”.  I deserve some down time.  I deserve and need to do things that feed my heart and soul.  I crave deep self-care and re-connection.  I desire to follow my intuition and not my ego driven mind.  So that is exactly what I did.  I went for long snowshoes in the woods.  I sat on the porch and soaked up the spring sunshine.  I met my sister-friends for coffee and connection.  I read.   

I allowed myself to hit the re-set button.

Gifting myself those two weeks of radical self-care, gentleness and lack of judgment has given me a new, rejuvenated feeling of energy and flow.  I feel more alive, more creative, more plugged in and ready to get shit done.  As I move into this phase of creation and moving my business forward, I will focus on balancing the masculine and feminine energies in my life.  Allowing time for movement, ritual, reflection and connection, while at the same time checking items off my to-do list.  I now realize that there will never truly be balance, per se.  Some weeks, days or hours will be  more about play and self care, while others will be more about the task oriented, logistical, pieces of running my business.

And you know what, that is okay! 

I encourage you to just say fuck it sometimes.  Gift yourself a week, a day or even an hour (if that is all you have) of play.  Walk in nature. Dance.  Garden. Sing.  Do some of whatever makes you feel alive, connected and free.  While your mind may try to tell you that you are wasting time, I assure you that you are not.  Feeding your heart and soul will stoke the fire.  You will have more energy.  You will be more creative.  You will fall in love with your life.  And who doesn’t want that?

Why I Know You Can Manifest Your Dreams.

March 16, 2015

"While intent is the seed of manifestation, action is the water that nourishes the seed.   Your actions must reflect your goals in order to achieve true success"  - Steve Maraboli

As I sit here listening to the waves crashing in I am reminded that all things are possible.  No dream is too big or too far out of reach.  You simply need to want it bad enough and be willing to take steps in the direction of your desires.   The voice that will inevitably start chattering in your head that says things like;  that is impossible or you can't do that, is full of shit.  It is just your ego (fear) trying to hold you back. 

You can bring into your life whatever you want if you are willing to get crystal clear on what that is and have faith that the universe will deliver it to you.

 Does that mean you can simply write it in your journal or paste it on a vision board and it will magically come to you one day?  Unfortunately not!   What it does require is that you do one or the other of those things and then start taking some sort of action in that direction and trust that it will happen in diving timing.  Timing, this is a difficult one for me.  I am not a patient being.  I want what I want and I want it yesterday.  However, that is not how the universe works.  Sorry, I know that is a bummer.

How do I know it to be true that your dreams can come true?  

I have seen it in my life over and over again.  It has probably happened in your life as well, you just haven't been paying close enough attention to witness it.  I will give you an example from my own life.

About a year and a half ago I returned from a retreat in Maui with a some very clear objectives that came straight from my soul.  One of these was to incorporate self care and deep connection with myself into my life in a BIG way.  The other was to leave my job for something new that would give me more freedom, less stress and the ability to create my own business.

Fast forward to today.

As I write this I am sitting on the beach in Costa Rica where I am on vacation with my family.  Can you say less stress and more freedom?   Last year I left my job (and career of 17years)  for a slightly less time consuming job, only to be laid off two months later.  You are probably wondering how that could lead to a happy ending.  Let me explain.  Shortly after being laid off,  a consulting job literally landed in my lap that is super flexible and allows me to create my own schedule. (Again, more freedom, less stress and time to create)  Lastly, I have created my soul's business in which I have the pleasure and honor of supporting and guiding women as they explore how to make self-care and connection with themselves a priority.

How AMAZING is that?

I don't want to give you the impression that this dream building has been without bumps, bruises, twists and turns.  There have been plenty!  But through it all I had faith that it would all unfold the way it was supposed to.

I pushed through LOTS of fear,  resistance and plenty of impatience to come to this place where I feel so much ease and flow in my life.

I realize that this is temporary as well.  Change and growth are part of life.

I have BIG plans for my life and my work here on this planet.   It will include lots of travel and sharing my story, love and light with the world.  Most importantly I am creating ways to be sure that women around the world see self-care and their relationship with themselves as a necessity and not just a luxury.   I know there will be lots of stepping into fear and moving through resistance.  Luckily, I am SO ready for that and excited to see what comes next!

What are your BIG dreams?

What do you desire in your life?

What are some of the ways you can get really clear about your dreams and desires?

I encourage you to contemplate these questions.  Write the answers down.  Create a beautiful vision board.  Most importantly, start taking small steps towards what  you REALLY desire.  

The Universe is listening and waiting for you to declare it.  Go ahead and put it out there!

I would love to hear what your dreams are and how you plan to make them come true.  Please share in the comments below if you feel inspired to do so.

Much love - Angie

Forgiveness - A Spiritual Perspective