For the last couple of days, I have had the feeling that perhaps there was something that wanted to be shared. Specifically around perimenopause and this period, I am in. I have been confused about why not many women talk about it. Maybe they do, but I have not stumbled across it. Are we embarrassed by our age? The related changes? Are we trying not to think about or acknowledge getting older?
I was not prepared for many of the feelings and symptoms that have come with this particular life change. The hot flashes I was ready for, and honestly they are one of the less impactful symptoms for me. I had heard about forgetfulness and brain fog, which I am already pretty accustomed to because of my chronic Lyme. However, I will say the addition of changing hormones has offered a whole new level of brain dysfunction. What I was not prepared for was an increased level of joint and body pain. I cannot say my elbows ever reached before perimenopause. And then, worse of all, a whole new experience of anxiety and random depressive episodes. At times in my life, I have dealt with situational anxiety and panic attacks, but over the last year or two, the anxiety has increased and become more frequent. It is also often completely irrational and unfounded, which my conscious mind knows but my body and my nervous system have not gotten the memo.
And then there is the newest symptom, intermittent depressive episodes. I have been blessed in my life never to have danced with depression, though many around me have. I honestly didn’t even recognize it for what it was until doing some online research. For me, those feelings are new, uncomfortable, and scary. I am grateful that they come and go and seem to be paired with PMS, which was hard to pinpoint because, at this point, my cycle is entirely unpredictable. I have always had regular cycles with very little PMS, except mild moodiness and some body dysmorphia, and easy, short cycles. So why, at 53 am I dealing with pre-cycle depression, cramps, and having zero idea when I might start bleeding? I guess the answer is perimenopause…..
After meeting with my naturopath, I fired my PCP years ago for his refusal to trust my feelings about my own body; It seems perhaps I am low in progesterone and Estrogen. As someone who lived with Crohn’s and chronic Lyme in my adult life, I am pretty hesitant about going straight to pharmaceuticals or, for that matter taking pills of any kind. However, two weeks ago, I came to the conclusion that I needed to do something. My naturopath offered me all sorts of options. Herbs. Tinctures. A seed protocol and HRT. I love that she is open to discussing everything. She was a pharmacist before becoming disenchanted and returning to school to be a naturopath. She knows both worlds. As do I, after a long career in the medical field and using lots of homeopathy to help with my Lyme. After a lengthy discussion, I chose the path I would not usually choose. I have been taking a low-dose progesterone pill and wearing a low-dose patch of Estrogen.
A number of things influenced my decision, but mostly, it was for ease and convenience. Right now, I travel a lot for work. I spend a lot of time in hotels and airports. My routine is unpredictable and all over the place when I am on the road. Carrying powders and tinctures is not easy when you never check your bag. (TSA does not like powders of any kind. It causes all sorts of commotion). These are just a few of the reasons. It’s sad and funny that it feels vulnerable to share this. I considered not doing that, but I feel as if that is why others don’t share. Fear of being judged. I imagine many of my friends and acquaintances will want to let me know why HRT is a lousy idea and offer me more natural solutions. I love that people care, but I am comfortable with my decision for now.
So why am I sharing? This might feel like TMI. I feel like there must be a whole bunch of women dealing with this all alone, or at least in silence. I don’t think this, perimenopause/menopause, should be a taboo subject. I feel we should talk about it often and loudly. Sharing and conversing like we perhaps did when we were new moms asking for help and advice or sharing it with others. No judgment. There is no need to force our views on others.
Being a woman is such a journey. I always see it through the evolution of the goddess. Maiden. Mother. Crone. I look forward to my crone years and to being a vessel for wisdom and storytelling. I just wish this part of the journey felt a little less isolating and lonely. I would love to hear about your journey with perimenopause/menopause. The stories of others allow me to feel less isolated and alone. That is why I am sharing mine. I hope sharing serves to make even one woman feel less alone or less crazy about her experience.
“Well, you can either see menopause as a possible ending or you can see it as a possible beginning. Arguably, it should be a bit of both. The ending of one phase of life, but also the beginning of a whole new journey — a challenging but ultimately fertile journey across the threshold of elderhood.”
― Sharon Blackie, Hagitude: Reimagining the Second Half of Life