I’m not going to lie, the conversations going on in my head have not been kind this week. In truth I have been struggling with loving and embracing my body on and off for most of my life. I am sure this is the case for many. To be honest I hesitated to write this blog. In the past my disclosures of the self-talk in my head about my body have been met with comments like this: What do you have to complain about? You are thin. You are not fat. Let it go.
In truth, my experience is my experience. I know women of absolutely every size and shape who struggle with their body image. It’s so important to not feel alone. To know others are dealing with similar things. So despite my hesitation and anxiety about it, I am choosing to share my story.
As I said, the negative body talk has always been around. What is sounds like depends on the year, the month, the time of month and sometimes the day. Things can get pretty nasty when I am coming up on my moon cycle. What really kicked things off this week was the scale. I have not weighed myself in a couple of years. I just pay attention to how my clothes feel on me. But on Monday I was worried about how heavy my suitcase was, so I weighed myself with and without it just to be sure. If I am honest, I’ve known I am up a handful of pounds over the last couple of years. I have been much less active for a variety of reasons.
But….. Seeing the number on the scale coupled with putting on work clothes that I haven’t had on weeks sent my ego voice into a tirade. You are out of shape. You are weak. You are squishy. You are lazy. Yup, that all swirled around in my head the last few days. It’s insane really. The saving grace is that even though it sucks, I can be the observer of it. I don’t get as stuck in the spiral of self-loathing as I used to. I know much of that is not true. Some is. But none of it is completely out of my control.
It’s kind of nutty that after YEARS of work around self-love and self-care, I still struggle with this. But it really isn’t that surprising. As women/girls we are conditioned to believe our worth is not inherent. It is dictated by our bodies. Our clothes. Our hair. It’s ingrained in our culture. Even with deep knowledge and even knowing that I am worthy, that shit still creeps in. Luckily it isn’t as long lasting and I can step back, listen to the self-talk and remind myself what the truth is. I can move back to a space of knowing that I am doing the best I can.
My prayer every day is for patience and presence with my body, my spirit and my own unfolding. Isn’t that all we really have. Each moment. The present moment.
I am sharing all of this so others who struggle with negative self-talk and body image know they are not alone. I have found that because I mentor women and lead circles others assume I have it all figured out. That is absolutely not true. We all have our shit. Every single one of us. I teach what I have come to learn. That shows up over and over again in my life. If I wait until I think I am ready (hint: that will never happen) I would never share my lessons or wisdom in the world. I am going to wrap this up by reminding you and of course myself of this. You are worthy just as you are. You are beautiful and whole. Please do not forget that. Ever.