I am not even sure where to start but the nudge to write about where I am at right now was too strong to ignore. I entered my 53rd year in this body not really thinking about what lie ahead. I had glimpses of perimenopause last year, but nothing significant. As the year has progressed I have had some significant changes in my life with my career and more significantly with my body. I knew to expect hot flashes and mood swings and some disruption in my brain function. What I was not prepared for was the anxiety, ADHD and the degree to which my brain would resist memory and focus. There have been times lately when I do not recognize who I am in my body if that makes sense. Times when I don't want to be in my body because it does not feel like mine. I have dealt with other things that have made it uncomfortable to be in my body before. Crohn's disease and chronic Lyme have, at times, taken their toll on my body and spirit. But I was more prepared I guess. I am unsure why, but these changes, this time, feel more jarring and difficult to manage.
The suddenness of these changes has also, I believe, ignited a spiritual shift of sorts. I can feel another layer of beliefs and ways of being trying to shed. And there is resistance, which causes dissonance. Which only makes the newfound anxiety feel more debilitating. Yesterday, a powerful New Moon collided with a lack of sleep, leaving me in a state of complete overwhelm. It felt like sadness, anger and despair all at once. I could not focus on anything. My mind was like a squirrel running around in circles. I tried to force myself to concentrate and finish my work tasks, which only brought on tears and frustration. I finally let the tears fall, took a couple of deep breaths and closed my laptop. I packed up all my things and practically ran out of the house and into my car to drive to the lake to spend the weekend with my cousin and some family. As soon as I saw the water and sat by the fire there was sense of relief. I could breathe.
This morning I woke up early and I picked up my journal and wrote for a long time. I thought I would share some of what I wrote and the subsequent card I pulled because it all just felt like pure magic which only came about because I allowed myself to give up and give in. To surrender.
"I can't lie, yesterday scared me. It was hard. I did not feel like myself. It was almost an out-of-body experience. I did not want to be in my body. My brain felt disconnected and unwilling to do anything really. Maybe it was just mama earth calling me here. Here there is water, fire, earth and air. An escape of sorts, but to a place that has a special spot in my heart. The land here feels like home in a whole different way. A place deep within me. My child self. I am tired. My spirit is tired. It is trying to shed another layer. Letting go and shedding your skin is hard work. It cannot be done without rest and refuge from everyday life, responsibilities and activity. Perhaps that was the call to here that had me literally scrambling from my desk. Perhaps that is why I woke up this morning feeling less anxious and more free. Here is where I need to be to finish sloughing off this layer of being. I can leave it here in the water, in the fire, in the wind. It is one of many layers I have and will shed in this human life. My soul is still learning lessons and evolving. Unlike my human body, my soul is boundless and free. It's going to be a journey to navigate these changes in my body and mind that are coming. It is going to require me to offer myself and those around me new levels of grace, ease and compassion."
When I finished writing this, I decided to pull a card from my deck. Of course, the one that literally flew out of the deck was Serpent. The card is, of course, about shedding layers and transformation. It never ceases to amaze me how when I ask the universe for guidance, it delivers. Message received. Just for today I watch and listen for guidance from my soul's voice and follow through on those nudges. And so it is.